Beaumont's blog

A Man’s Best Friend Is Not His Dog, and If It Is, I’d Steer Clear If I Were You, He’s Probably Some Kind of Weirdo, Loner, Psychopath… (by Maria Beaumont)

Not the snappiest title I’ve ever given one of my articles, but it does kind of do what it says on the can. I never did get the whole man’s best friend nonsense. In fact, I’d go one step further and say that the whole having a pet thing is ludicrous. I’m not just talking dogs either, but cats, hamsters, rabbits, budgies and goldfish too. In fact, anything you have to keep in a cage (not including your naughty S&M loving boyfriend) or that sleeps in a basket is included here. Pets are pointless, with only two exceptions.

If you’re, say, George Michael and you’re so famous you can’t trust anyone because everyone around you is a sycophantic user, I accept that having a dog for companionship can make sense. A dog will use you for food and warmth but, not being particularly sophisticated in the art of deception, he’ll be quite open about it. My point being, at least George will know where he stands. And a dog, being fundamentally stupid, will never figure out how to sell its exclusive ‘My Life with George’ to a tabloid newspaper.

Dogs (or any other thing with fur) can also serve a purpose if you’re gay. If you’re, say, George Michael again, and having children is not on your to-do list, a dog is the perfect substitute. Instead of having to feed, nurture and keep safe a small, yappy thing with two legs, you can instead transfer these most basic of human instincts to a small yappy thing with four legs. (If you’re, say, George Michael, incidentally, having a dog also provides you with the perfect opportunity for getting out onto Hampstead Heath and ‘meeting’ other like-minded people, i.e. other people with dogs who like to ‘walk’ on Hampstead Heath).

But let’s just say you’re not George Michael. Let’s say you’re not famous or gay. You’re just an ordinary person with a nagging child who has gone on at you to get a bunny or a kitten or a puppy so much that you’ve given in. Tell me, why? You could be a mum with two or three kids in the house – haven’t you got enough ‘looking after’ to do? Haven’t you got enough to consider? Tell me, will it be the end of human civilisation as we know it if dogs and cats were eradicated overnight? Will the Spice Hags stop banging on about Girl Power if hamsters were made illegal? I think not. In fact, I think if these things happened, nothing much would change at all.

You say that granny would be devastated because she loves the little bundle of fluff you bought her for company all those years ago? Well, knickers to that. You can just go and visit her more often, can’t you?

You say that little Henry would be heartbroken because he has invested so much love and care into looking after the disgusting rodent that lives in the cage in the den? Tough. Let him go hang out on the streets with the rest of the homeless population and see what it’s really like to live with mice and rats for company.

Cats get fleas and dogs… well, dogs SMELL. Some of them also have been known to maul small children to death. Isolated incidents, granted, but if you were the mother of one of those poor kids, you might be nodding with agreement at this point.

There are countless charities and institutions crying out for your help, time and money. If you want to spend your hard earned cash somewhere, do something useful with it and stop investing it in the pointless exercise that is the Household Pet. Why not spend it on something that will make you a better person. Like Save the Rain Forests or give to McMillan Nurses. Or maybe you could expand your outlook by reading more books. Talking of which… nah, shameless self-promotion was never my thing. If you want to know about my new novel, you won’t be able to read about it here. You’ll have to visit my website www.letstalkaboutme.com instead.